Around six months ago
I began outsourcing
the writing of poems
to an Indian call center
My account executive there
placed me with a fine young
gentleman working the phone
from his home in a
suburb of Calcutta
It took some time
and several false starts
but he’s finally
coming around
figuring out my style
understanding the
complicated culture
that is
American
Poetry
He shoots the raw poems
to my new editor in China
she doesn’t speak English yet
but she’s getting there
worth every Yuan
She emails the
finished product
to seven chimpanzees
I have locked in a
basement in
downtown
Portland
I’ve trained
them well
in SFTP
Wordpress
and blog
commenting
they take care of
my web business
and seem grateful
to have the work
I don’t write
a thing anymore
(including this)
and I think the poems
are better than ever
I transfer
donations
from PayPal
to my bank
once a week
using a laptop
or internet cafe
wherever I happen
to be
This allows for
great freedom
and a truly
meaningful life
For instance
in the last six months
I’ve become a ninja
training relentlessly
deep in the mountains
east of Takayama
I competed in
Iranian Idol
placing 17th
singing John Denver’s
Rocky Mountain High
I’ve even traveled to Amsterdam
and ordered room service
in my hotel
That was wild
There are many other
adventures
Perhaps too many to tell
Doing a four hundred-hour workweek now
But doing the work I love
Just wanted to give
you an update
on the incredible
lifestyle I’ve
designed while
the Indians
the Chinese
and the chimps
work hard to create
the next great
wave of
American
Letters
for
us
all
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Are you sure those chimps aren’t locked in a small red house drinking a wicked cup of black coffee?
Where’s the Tango? the languages? the kickboxing? And of course, the deep spiritual insights, “The cubicle is your temple…”
As ever, you hit the spot. Pondered for seconds on whether I had time to read your email today or tomorrow (!), after just doing a re-jig of my ‘most urgent’ tasks for the day, all accompanied by that sick feeling in my gut and trying not to panic at it being only Monday - and already I’m running behind …
Thank you again - love it!
Inspiring. Truly.
Absolutely brilliant…LMAO….seriously good.
I thought I was the only one who wasn’t buying that 4 hour workweek stuff! Those chimps of yours are doing a great job.
I’m sorry, Timothy Ferriss has already checked his email subscription to your blog for the week so we won’t hear from him until *next* Monday.
Robert,
I love this :-) You’ve expressed my sentiments exactly.
Thanks y’all.
Currently working very hard developing a simple website that markets and drop-ships hemorrhoid cream from a small company in Indiana to grateful customers all over the world. It’s a burning problem for a lot of people, including myself.
When the hemorrhoid site is complete, I’ll put “the team” into high gear. I smell a Nobel for Lit within the decade…
Back to golf!
“It was the best of time, it was the Blurst of times” Stupid Monkey!
Monty - We’d never have worked for that hack Dickens.
Mr. Bruce gives us bananas and iPhones.
Come on…you know it’s not good for your health and welfare, spanking those monkeys is just plain wrong…not to mention water-boarding those other humans.
You Rule Robert.
Good piece, but the attack is lame. I’m not a 4hww junkie, but I appreciate what the ideas behind it inspire in people.
Does your Indian Call Center have a department specialized in drawing and painting?
I laughed and smiled all the way home…
Brilliant writing Robert Bruce!
Nathan - If you were pasting, uploading and typing with us in this basement, you’d know the true definition of lame.
Help.
JD!
I’ve asked for that, but I can hear them shrug over Skype.
As you can see, all I got this week was a lame photo of a few books from the philosophy section of B & N.
Hope you’re well sister.
Robert -
There is always an exit door! Make a break for freedom :)
loved it!
I heard about a guy
who was working a 400-hour work week
and I wondered if it was a scam
so I went to go see.
His landing page was dark
It had a minimalist look.
It was missing testimonials and videos with outrageous claims
Few typefonts were use.
The only color was white
No where was a box with a huge sign saying “I’m ready, sign me up to give away my life.”
That’s how I knew it must be a hoax.
Any guy who was a real web guru –
Gee You Are You — would have at least made me give my email address.
Darn.
Now I’m left with 400 hours and nothing to do.
When art is outsourced
to India and China
and monkeys in basements
it sure beats the heck out of
the art that my poor parents
were forced to subsist on.
How can the creative genius
of one sole person
possibly compete
with the genius totality
of the two most populous nations
and our chromosomal cousins?
I feel sorry for the pitiable masses
who had to live on the art
that wasn’t created by committee…
by a global committee
that transcends boundaries
of nations and of species.
Poor Suckers.
You are nuts. Checked out. Gone. Great post.
Hey - I sincerely like your idea about the hemorrhoid cream. Let me know if you need any testers…or applicators. You know, I’m always more than happy to help with anything you’re working on.
xoxo
I can see a wry smile and a Tom Cruise eye twinkle.
If only we tapped our potential
If only we all consumed self help like gluttons
We could conquer death and debt and ourselves
I think I just threw up in my own mouth.
Loved the poem Robert. As always I recommend you to those surprised I enjoy the art. Like when we are laughing about MMA over beer or shooting clay pigeons or discussing Ron Paul and the Fed.
Good times.
Great words to share.
Thanks.
I am well Robert… slaving away and loving every minute of it :)
Cheers dude!
shame on you.
poor chimps.
at least they have free internet :-)
Had you outsourced this poem too
It would have packed a punch
It would’ve earned a Chinese breakfast
An Indian a lunch
Of course if you outsource poems
They can only be promoted by Chimps
The true talent truly gets highlighted
Of your genius, the world gets a glimpse
All the best with donations
You’ll soon be needing lots of those
Let more Chimps, Chines and Indians
Write for you verses and prose
:-)
Umm…that was Chinese.
Lol. That was fun. Love it.
Satisfyingly adequate. Have your chimps call my chimps.
Is that your shelf, by the way? Or is the book storage and reading outsourced as well?
Chris - That is indeed my shelf. It resides in a basement somewhere in Malaysia.
I love this poem. cheers.
Potent circles and wordsmith powers winding words around the world…nice work, Mr. Bruce.
Is there any profit these days in being a ninja?
And can you train your monkeys?