The acting school
had provided a list
of mandatory items
I needed to buy
for the coming year
One item on the list
was called a
“Dance Belt”
I’d heard that it was used
to hold a guy together
as he moved across
the floor of the conservatory’s
required dance class
I figured it was
some kind of hybrid
between a weightlifter’s
hernia belt
and a standard
jockstrap
It turned out to be
a hot product
hard to find
All of Hollywood
was selling out
of dance belts
I drove the mean streets
and back alleys
for three days
before pulling up to
a dark, dangerous
and questionably masculine
ballet shop in
Studio City
Everything was pink in there
a wave of panic washed over me
perhaps a sudden buyer’s remorse
for tuition already paid
I had to do the deal
and get out fast
“Do you have any dance belts?” I asked the clerk
“Sure, right over here.”
She took me to a rack
near the front of the store
near the front window
of the store
“I have them in black and red,
which do you prefer,” she asked
“Well…”
My mouth went dry
and the words went away
as soon as she held it up in plain view
This was no jock
nor did it resemble
any belt I had ever seen
This was something
entirely different
Entirely horrible
From her fingers dangled
a wispy red nylon strap
that seemed to widen
slightly in the front
and then reduce down to a
thin shoelace
in the back
I believe the common term is
thong
A male thong
I think I said, “Wah yeeh buh…”
“Black or red?” she asked
“Uhm, this has to be a mistake,
I’m looking for a dance belt.”
“Yep, this is it, what size do you want?”
“Uh, 32… I guess. It’s measured by
the waist, right?” I asked
I took it
paid
asked her to
double bag it
and got out of there
No hope was found
in the bathroom mirror
back home
My new purchase
pinched in all the wrong spots
and wedged itself into places
I didn’t want anyone going to
but my doctor
and with him
only when
absolutely
necessary
As my father bravely
fought fires across the city
his son stood humiliated
and confined
in a prison of his own
choosing
A thin black nylon
prison
What that thing
had to do with acting
I’ll never know
I eventually
chalked it up
as a sacrifice
for the craft
That and the price of getting
one step closer
to a wicked little
supporting performance
in a movie
alongside
De Niro
Yeah
23 responses ↓
1 candice | 15 Oct 2007
Ballet shops are fairly uniformly dreadful places. Terribly disorganized and usually condescending staff. I only go into them if I need new shoes fitted that I can’t reorder.
I was in a modern dance company for a few seasons… A lot of the male dancers were amateurs and were horrified of those things. It was funny, in that mean college sort of way.
2 JC | 15 Oct 2007
I still have mine framed and bronzed. I don’t think it has ever been washed, but all the better. Ah, the memories.
3 Mr. Earthquake | 15 Oct 2007
I’m not sure if I should get a Guinness or an Appletini to read this one…
4 randalldowney11 | 15 Oct 2007
For De Niro… yeah. But I’d have a hard time believing he ever had to, or would wear one. Be sure to let us know what he has to say. You’re a brave man, Mr. Bruce. A brave man.
5 Robert Bruce | 16 Oct 2007
Candice - Not sure I even made it to amateur… and the horror didn’t stop until I burned the thing ;)
6 Robert Bruce | 16 Oct 2007
JC - Good. The bronzing has locked the freshness in.
7 Robert Bruce | 16 Oct 2007
Earthquake - Guinness for sure man. We need all the masculinity we can get around this one. Sorry Candice… you’re still loved.
8 Robert Bruce | 16 Oct 2007
Randall - Can’t say for sure if he or has not, but you’d be surprised what many of our favorite stars have endured, particularly the ones who come from the stage.
Bravery, I don’t know, I think I just want this stuff public on my own terms. Then I don’t have to worry about it anymore ;)
9 candice | 16 Oct 2007
I spent all weekend on or underneath an early sixties pickup truck, if it helps. I don’t fit in with the girls who drink appletinis.
Can’t be any worse than some of the costumes I’ve dealt with from the costume designer who was an artist with a capital A….
10 Robert Bruce | 16 Oct 2007
I knew when we first started talking guns C. You’re one of the boys for sure (and I mean that as a compliment).
And yeah, the costumes. I’m glad video wasn’t as prevalent when I was hot and heavy in theatre. Folks don’t know what they’re missing…
When’s the last ballet you danced in?
11 candice | 17 Oct 2007
My last full season ended in 2002. Modern, not ballet. I understudied some of the 2003 season but moved back south.
But I have been going to class! Three weeks in a row and I hadn’t been since I started dating my current boyfriend… :)
12 communicatrix | 17 Oct 2007
If I move to Portland, will you make me laugh this hard in person?
13 Robert Bruce | 17 Oct 2007
Candice - I assume that means a little soreness…. nonetheless, congrats on the discipline shown ;)
14 Robert Bruce | 17 Oct 2007
Colleen - Without question.
Now, are you REALLY considering this?
15 candice | 17 Oct 2007
It’s getting better now… I am in fairly decent shape from walking places a lot that it didn’t hurt too much.
Last time I went back it was worse, but the class I used to go to all the time was Friday night, and well, that kinda went out the window…
16 WPS | 18 Oct 2007
RB, I think I need the Men in Black to use their “little flashy thing” on me to erase that image from my memory…
17 Robert Bruce | 20 Oct 2007
WPS - Believe me brother, I’ll take the same treatment if it’s available.
18 Magnus | 26 Oct 2007
I tried to explain this poem to a coworker and I got the polite titter response. He hasn’t looked at me in the same way since. I love it. I must raise a glass of dark mirth your way and I want you to know I respect your willingness to sacrifice that much for your passion. I hope you are rewarded with a part in Heat 2.
19 Robert Bruce | 1 Nov 2007
Magnus - Heat 2. Awesome. They’re not going to be able to top that first shootout in downtown LA…
20 potterspoet | 1 Nov 2007
i think you may just have to blow us all away with this next poem of yours. we are waiting with bated breaths…
21 Robert Bruce | 2 Nov 2007
pp - So am I, you may have to write it for me ;)
22 potterspoet | 2 Nov 2007
i’ve got a good one about stripping wallpaper…
it goes like this.
always
always
always
strip one layer of wallpaper
before putting another on
because then
no one else
will have to strip
FIVE
layers of wallpaper
when they move in
and think your decorating is
hideous
23 Robert Bruce | 6 Nov 2007
Sounds like this one is coming from firsthand knowledge…
Is wallpaper still used? If so, where?
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