
I was finishing a bowl of Ramen
making some effort to
consider how the rent
might be paid
when the call came in at
7:03 pm on a Thursday
The call had the potential to be
a real life-changer
It came from the
production office of
one of the most popular
action television shows
of the early nineties
“We want you in the Valley
tomorrow morning. 4:00 am,
be prepared to move,” she said.
“I’ll be there,” I said.
Next morning, I drove the two hours
and made it into the lot of a
large steel building
in the middle of nowhere
on empty
Apart from the Beemers and Mercs
parked out front
It looked more like a Costco
than a Hollywood studio
If I hit this one
out of the park
I’d be rich
and driving one of those
German machines
through the suicide bends
of Mulholland Blvd.
at 80 mph
by next weekend
I was twenty-three years old
and
nothing could stop me
My optimistic theories
on the nature of living had not yet
taken a good beating
I pushed through the
front door of Costco
and into the buzz and warm stench
of three hundred and twenty other bodies
all stretching, running in place
prepared to move
Essentially
all vying for my Mercedes
Only one of us was going to walk out
of that place with the role
For the other
three hundred nineteen
it was back to Ramen
and the
never-ending
lottery
that
we
know
as
Hollywood
It was an action show
so the part was largely physical
bad Kung Fu moves
and macho posing
Over half the group was cut
in the first three hours
we were asked to pair up
and told to “fight”
no other direction
I had never taken a
martial arts class
but I’d done a few for
stage combat and movement
Regarding auditions
one of my instructors
had always said
“It doesn’t matter
if you’re the best in the room,
just be the BIGGEST.”
So I decided to be BIG
I think I saw
my fighting partner
glance at my wrist
looking for a
hospital bracelet
I swung at him
with primitive rage
I performed a perfect
roundhouse kick
two feet over his head
I hadn’t been able to
touch my toes
before that moment
The hours went on
more dreams were dashed
more souls left Costco
and I was still there
The producers had seen me
they decided to keep me
and one other person
It was 5 pm
They told us to
take a break
and come back
for the final round
When we walked back in
the weight of the moment
almost crushed me
I was close
so close to freedom
no more rent worries
no more rotting teeth
no more cheap dates
no more old cars
no more hustle
When we started again
the two of us were on a mat
with an Assistant Director
calling out lines
which we “acted out” as we fought
As it went along
I sensed that something was wrong
that the other guy
was performing better
was about to drive away with my Merc
So I reached deep inside
and went to a place
usually reserved for
the master
As he swung his left
I dropped
turned in place
and somehow
executed a perfect
double back flip
over his head
landing on
the other side
of him
on my index finger
He turned
and from my finger-stand
I kicked him across the room
and sprung perfectly
from the finger
back to my feet
No cables
no special effects
It was the years of
Ramen
strengthening me
in my moment of need
I shouldn’t have to
tell you
that they
gave me the role
I thought I had bagged
the role of a lifetime
it was going to solve all my needs
justify all my work and poverty
show up all of those who didn’t believe
But when it was all said and done
it only lasted two episodes
Two episodes of playing
a good guy saving the world
Two episodes wearing
a blue plastic helmet and body armor
Two episodes and
no Mercedes
Two episodes of
The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
And
now
you
have
a
better
idea
of
why
I
write
poems









16 responses so far ↓
1 ec | 19 Feb 2007
Hyperlinks in poetry? … Brilliant!
2 communicatrix | 19 Feb 2007
I had a feeling…
I’ve been to that Costco, myself.
Glad you made it back from the Dark Side.
3 WPS | 19 Feb 2007
I never tire of hearing that story. Although the “over the head double back flip to finger stand” is new information…
4 candice | 19 Feb 2007
This is probably also an excellent bar story…
5 Robert Bruce | 19 Feb 2007
ec - Not the first, but I’ll take your assessment ;)
6 Robert Bruce | 19 Feb 2007
communicatrix - Figured you had… come on, give us a good story from LA…
Glad you came by my friend.
7 Robert Bruce | 19 Feb 2007
WPS - It grows like a weed…
8 Robert Bruce | 19 Feb 2007
candice - Yes, WPS can attest to that. It is where it was perfected… well, not perfected.
You holding up down there?
9 candice | 19 Feb 2007
I am amazingly sober, but planning to start drinking at approximately 9am tomorrow for the finale to Mardi Gras.
Now if my best friend wasn’t sick I would be out right now, too…
10 WPS | 20 Feb 2007
BTW, I checked the hyperlink to MMPR, and nowhere did I see a credit for the able, acrobatic actor described in the poem. Were you using an assumed name, or was the gig too short to be credited? Pity either way.
11 Lola | 22 Feb 2007
I love it. Perfect, the way you tell the story and then tag on the stretched-out ending.
I checked IMDb, and you don’t get a credit there, either. I think you should stage a protest of the general unfairness of Hollywood. :-)
12 Robert Bruce | 26 Feb 2007
WPS and Lola - Yeah, it was the woman who did the voice over for the role that got the credit. I was unseen in blue plastic the entire time.
A blessing, in hindsight…
13 Mark Goodyear | 26 Feb 2007
As a fan of tacky martial arts (and good stuff too), I’m shocked and awed.
“Ramen/ strengthening me/ in my moment of need” –hilarious.
14 Wadd | 22 Mar 2007
From now on I shall refer to you as “Master” Bruce. I had no idea!! I am glad to see however that you decided to snatch the pen….instead of the pebble, from the masters hand.
15 darius | 9 Oct 2007
Stop chitchating things to death.
Read, breath and be silent.
(I may be wrong)
16 Making Money While Blogging In Boxers » Interview: Robert Bruce | 19 Mar 2008
[...] No. I did my time in Hollywood. [...]
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